Breaking Tension With Tension

We've become somewhat distant these days, blog. It's been well over a month since the previous update, and I have been working on a few things since then. But all progress on side projects has been lost as a result of the latest project: job hunting. Yes, I still have a job, but I'm only using it as a crutch these days to waste away countless boring hours getting paid while I spend more hours on the side looking for a different job. In some cases, these hours coincide, but this has only been true in the event that I need to interview. I've used some excuses that haven't been 100% lies thus far, but my latest interview includes a lie that is not yet true but I am seriously considering.

So I have this problem with crowds. Or new scenarios including one-on-ones, too. Just if "new" and inherently unknown (which equals uncomfortable) is concerned. The problem? A touch of social anxiety.

I'm really lacking in energy right now to continue my day without further sleep, but I must admit that I'm considering a therapist. A new friend in my life has commented on my anxiety, which affects a few important areas in my life, and it is something I've decided is my #1 social problem at present. Having no fear is a goal, and for some reason I am subconsciously afraid despite no longer wanting to be. I feel perfectly fine with the idea of being social, but I gain some nervous ticks and start sweating excessively in practice. Sometimes blushing is involved out of irrational embarrassment, too. Having interviews and not being able to prevent certain ticks when I'm convinced that I don't really feel nervous is annoying and probably doesn't make me look good. It's like my mind and my heart are of two different opinions on the matter...

A therapist isn't cheap, but I'm sick of taking a backseat to these emotions that take over without the decency of asking. I don't know... I'm probably still conflicted on this decision, but I want to do it. Seeing a therapist is one of my many dreams in life, though ideally that outcome would have been just for fun. The perfectionist inside of me might make such a trip difficult, as I fear lying about my true feelings as a means to appear normal to a complete stranger. Of course, such a thought could just be because I feel I lie to myself, too -- a thought that suggests that maybe I do need some outside assistance.

Maybe a different cause altogether, too. So tired these days, and no amount of sleep or caffeine seems to help. I used to frown down on others who complained about just wanting to sleep, but I fear I have become one of those hoodlums myself. Sleep is an escape, and all I want to do is hide from my current life with hopes that I will get handed some form of change on a silver platter for when I awaken. Not at all likely, is it? The period between change seems so difficult, though, as I'm stuck with the old life's priorities I no longer want on top of gaining a new life's priorities.

This conversation could lead into how I have a difficult time answering questions like "what is it you want out of life?" but I'm too tired. And I never have an answer.

Woes of the Rating Model

We've seen this sort of thing happen with too many of our favorite tv shows (you know the ones with which I speak, since we all loved them). These are the sorts of shows that we love every aspect of and use as a conversational piece via "did you see the new episode off Netflix/Hulu?"

Notice the conversational piece didn't mention the tv? That was on purpose. Rating a show's success or failure on the ratings of *when it aired* is a dinosaur model that needs to be banished. The alternative is to get all of the previous generations that still watch television into the shows that we love, but I really don't think they enjoy the same things we do based on what doesn't get cancelled.

Also notice that "we" describes my generation, which is also on purpose. We love "Fringe", don't we? I was just getting done reading about Joshua Jackson trying to garner support by getting the populous to watch it when it airs on Friday. It appears the ratings haven't been doing well lately. Fox doesn't have a good track record when it comes to keeping shows out of the goodness of its cold, black heart, but then it is a television station. I'm also looking at a different station (is it CBS?) with disdain for cancelling my previous favorite show "Legend of the Seeker", but the box art for season 2 says "and Last Season," so there isn't any hope of that one being revived...

Artistic Endeavors

If I want to strive for some of my more ambitious project ideas, it occurs to me that I need to be an artist. Not that I couldn't pull in, say, an artist friend to help, but I don't wish to feel indebted to someone for their help. Besides, I'm a loner when it comes to my own projects, and this tends to be because I don't want someone else's creativity melding with my own. So, I have begun some artistic endeavors.

When most people say they can't draw, they usually mean it by admitting they can't even draw stick figures. My personal version of "I can't draw" is more "I can draw, but I'm worse than both of my siblings." Which is to say that my two sisters have some amazing artistic talent that scared me away from furthering my own, as I wanted to focus on something I wouldn't be 3rd best at in the family.

Something interesting about the artistic style of both my sisters is that they both started with a very cartoony style that developed a much more realistic shift over time. My younger sister's talent still varies, but just to give an idea of a 1-hour pencil sketch she did in 2007:

Perhaps if I had a whole week, I could accomplish what it took her an hour to do, but I'd still be wasting lots of paper to the trash.  In comparison to that, this is something I drew:

Completely different, cartoony style that may have taken a minute or less, but it still required lots of redos beforehand.

I think that sort of style is what I'm going to go for, though. I was originally trying to draw in arms, neck, and legs, but those were the parts that were causing me issues. Different artists have different quirks with their characters, and I think I kinda like the no limbs look. Very Rayman-like (though even he has hands). There's still lots of perfecting needed, but at least the face is really easy for me to recreate without thinking too hard.

Plus, if I go for the hand-drawing and scanning approach, I may have to tweak how I go about that, too. The contrast with the pen I've used is a bit funky. The images will also have to be colored, though that is also dependent on the contrast issue (using the paint bucket tool as-is results in a few off-pixels here and there).

I'll discuss more about the specifics of this project perhaps when a few more sketches are available. Also opening up my bookmarks on DirectX tutorials again. Brushing up on some C++. Ah, and there is this matter of a website I need to revamp. And beating Dead Space to unlock its hardest difficulty so I can start my next video capture on the hardest difficulty project... So much going on, but I gotta love it. Minus the actual job, of course.

Idea Guy's Head Explodes

An image that is just text in my own handwriting.

I was just going to leave this post at that, but I suppose that would be an inaccurate depiction of how my freetime has been lately. I just realized today that there's so much I want to do. If I stop to actually think about all of those things, though, I really won't get around to accomplishing any of them.

This last week, my phone game did get published. Working on the Android version now, but I've been kinda winding down a little, so I don't know how long that process will take to get finished. Whole new language, whole new learning curve, and all that jazz. And my dad is going to be here this next weekend, so I won't be able to accomplish any work then. Trying to finish up Hard Mode of Half-Life 2 before then... so close...

Freakin' Out?

You know when you get an important email that says you just failed at something but tells you to check your account directly on "x" website to find out why, but you're already beating yourself up over being a failure? No? Well, I suppose that was oddly specific... This happened to me today.

So I revisited the idea of working on mobile games recently, and I decided to choose the Windows 7 Phone as my poison. Why? Well, it was the only language by default that wouldn't require massive amounts of learning to tackle. Sure, I could have gone the route of BlackBerry again, but I sort of cheated that one by choosing a wrapper language around Java. That ended in failure, as what appeared to work on the emulator didn't work at all in production.  Windows 7 Phone: you've got either Silverlight or XNA.

I use Silverlight on a regular basis at my job, but I've also used XNA in the past and found it to be easy to learn *and* it has awesome documentation (one might argue "it's Microsoft" here, but I would argue that the person who says this has never used SharePoint -- another language I use, unfortunately, on a regular basis at my full-time job).

I used XNA to create a simple enough puzzle game.  I did a Google search for "Grid Bouncer" and couldn't come up with any matches. Maybe not the best sounding name in the world, but my creativity for names is limited.

The idea is to select an adjacent grid to move forward the indicated number of spaces. Each time you do, the value of the selected tile decreases by 1. As the player, you have to decrease all possible movement across the board to 0 (what the non-numbered tiles are in the above image). You can lose a game by landing in a position where all adjacent spaces are nothing, making you incapable of moving.

Anyway, so I finished up the process of getting the game to where I want, and I submitted it for review on Saturday. I received an email today saying that the app failed along the process, which had me playing worst-case scenarios through my head. When I checked the App Hub site to view the error report, I laughed at the reason for failure: a support email is not present in the App. I have since added the support email into the app's About section and reviewed the rest of the requirements list to ensure there wasn't any other asinine requirement I may have missed.

*Phew* Here I was, getting worked up. I've started to port the code over the the Android SDK now, but I realize that the differences between the two languages are enough to where calling it a "port" wouldn't be accurate. Talk about complete overhaul. Still, I'm looking forward to doing actual tests directly on my phone.

Did Somebody Call For A Video Capture Project?

From my last blog, it was probably assumed that I wouldn't be adding too many more gaming projects on my plate (unless, of course, they happened to be programming projects that happen to also be gaming projects). I suppose this assumption would be wrong. I'm not going to say unfortunately, since this new project has added a fun twist to my life, but getting a video capture card to capture console footage as well as buying the full version of Fraps was certainly an impulse decision.  Hey, it was just my birthday... I had just spoiled myself with a new desktop for Christmas and had promised myself that I wouldn't do anything for my birthday, but we can see how well that is going.

So before I got the video capture card, I was looking at my game library and thinking "what can I do that would perhaps be entertaining to watch as well as do?" I had decided that I don't ever play video games on their hardest difficulty setting, so I set out to do just that. The result? Well, I'm not yet utilizing that video capture card, but I am using Fraps to do a Half-Life 2 Hard Mode run. I had decided on Half-Life 2 because I've never beaten it, and I have Episode 1 sitting on my computer waiting to be played, but I don't want to play that until I finish with its prequel.

I don't do it in the first video, but I've been adding commentary to all of the following videos thus far. Making commentary is actually a lot tougher than I thought, but I'm improving greatly as time goes on. Thus far, I've made 5 videos. I actually made the footage for 6 today, but I just have to add in the commentary. That's something I probably won't get around to until tomorrow... Almost done with Water Hazard!  I had been worried about how difficult this was going to be, but most of the experience tells me I have nothing to worry about. There are a select few areas (aka. all of video 5) that bring back a bit of my worry, but I'm still managing to pull forward.



Side-note: I've been tweaking around with the video quality settings a bit to try to find the optimal file size so the upload to YouTube isn't so painfully long. For video 6, I spent more time on this and think I've found a condensed size that appears to retain the original quality. I believe it will go up to 720p.

Realizations From a Full-Time Job

I hate my job. Sometimes this makes me hate my life, but my job is not my life, so this is not always so. Really, that stems more from my current feelings when I'm leaving work.

Why do I hate my job? Personally, I don't feel that saying I hate "my job" is 100% accurate. Sure, it's true, but the underlying reasonings suggest that I hate the overall concept of having a job. At least, this is true as a programmer.

As a programmer, I am someone else's paintbrush. The company heads have an idea but aren't capable of doing it themselves, so someone like me exists as a middle ground between their ideas and their ideas' existence. I can convince myself that I have some say on what happens because I am in control of how I go about it, but in the end this would just be a lie to make myself feel better about being a mindless drone.

During college and pre-college, I would get home and feel as though I had plenty of freetime. I suppose K-12 years this isn't true, but I at least had lots of vacations already built-in to that stage of life. My home life never restricted computer or video game time, so in most cases I would feel relaxed and look at my game collection with this "there's no rush. If I need to, I always have some other time." So I never felt any pressure to have to do anything, as I imagined I had all the time in the world. I even had time to read books!

With a full-time job, my freetime is always restricted. This makes the freetime itself stressful, as I have different ideas of what I should be doing combating to win. Often, this leads to not accomplishing anything at all, as I worry more about what I should do than actually doing anything at all. I also haven't picked up a book in ages. And out of all this 40 hours a week business, I only get 2 weeks of vacation time a year.

Even if I enjoyed working at my job, I must admit that even my personal projects never took up this much of my time. Over time, the excessive time spent at a full-time job each week is degrading enough to eventually break you down to disliking something you initially thought you would enjoy. At least, this is how I personally feel on the subject.

The one thing that might be positive about this full-time job thing is that the depression is building up this motivation to work on personal project ideas. I suppose my thought is that if I could get some of these projects done, then perhaps I wouldn't need the full-time job anymore? Yes, I'll hope for that. It is unfortunate that I needed to get a job to realize this, as I had plenty of time to work on these projects before. Now I have no choice but to work a full-time job and do personal projects at the same time on the side. *Le sigh*

/end rant