I hate my job. Sometimes this makes me hate my life, but my job is not my life, so this is not always so. Really, that stems more from my current feelings when I'm leaving work.
Why do I hate my job? Personally, I don't feel that saying I hate "my job" is 100% accurate. Sure, it's true, but the underlying reasonings suggest that I hate the overall concept of having a job. At least, this is true as a programmer.
As a programmer, I am someone else's paintbrush. The company heads have an idea but aren't capable of doing it themselves, so someone like me exists as a middle ground between their ideas and their ideas' existence. I can convince myself that I have some say on what happens because I am in control of how I go about it, but in the end this would just be a lie to make myself feel better about being a mindless drone.
During college and pre-college, I would get home and feel as though I had plenty of freetime. I suppose K-12 years this isn't true, but I at least had lots of vacations already built-in to that stage of life. My home life never restricted computer or video game time, so in most cases I would feel relaxed and look at my game collection with this "there's no rush. If I need to, I always have some other time." So I never felt any pressure to have to do anything, as I imagined I had all the time in the world. I even had time to read books!
With a full-time job, my freetime is always restricted. This makes the freetime itself stressful, as I have different ideas of what I should be doing combating to win. Often, this leads to not accomplishing anything at all, as I worry more about what I should do than actually doing anything at all. I also haven't picked up a book in ages. And out of all this 40 hours a week business, I only get 2 weeks of vacation time a year.
Even if I enjoyed working at my job, I must admit that even my personal projects never took up this much of my time. Over time, the excessive time spent at a full-time job each week is degrading enough to eventually break you down to disliking something you initially thought you would enjoy. At least, this is how I personally feel on the subject.
The one thing that might be positive about this full-time job thing is that the depression is building up this motivation to work on personal project ideas. I suppose my thought is that if I could get some of these projects done, then perhaps I wouldn't need the full-time job anymore? Yes, I'll hope for that. It is unfortunate that I needed to get a job to realize this, as I had plenty of time to work on these projects before. Now I have no choice but to work a full-time job and do personal projects at the same time on the side. *Le sigh*
/end rant
Le sigh indeed. That's pretty much how I felt at Stardock, except my job was my life at that point, so it was probably worse. (We're talking wake up, go to work, go home go to bed, repeat) :(
ReplyDeleteBest of luck with the personal projects; it can be really hard to keep motivated and keep gaining forward momentum with them. I think we all know that, though haha!