We've become somewhat distant these days, blog. It's been well over a month since the previous update, and I have been working on a few things since then. But all progress on side projects has been lost as a result of the latest project: job hunting. Yes, I still have a job, but I'm only using it as a crutch these days to waste away countless boring hours getting paid while I spend more hours on the side looking for a different job. In some cases, these hours coincide, but this has only been true in the event that I need to interview. I've used some excuses that haven't been 100% lies thus far, but my latest interview includes a lie that is not yet true but I am seriously considering.
So I have this problem with crowds. Or new scenarios including one-on-ones, too. Just if "new" and inherently unknown (which equals uncomfortable) is concerned. The problem? A touch of social anxiety.
I'm really lacking in energy right now to continue my day without further sleep, but I must admit that I'm considering a therapist. A new friend in my life has commented on my anxiety, which affects a few important areas in my life, and it is something I've decided is my #1 social problem at present. Having no fear is a goal, and for some reason I am subconsciously afraid despite no longer wanting to be. I feel perfectly fine with the idea of being social, but I gain some nervous ticks and start sweating excessively in practice. Sometimes blushing is involved out of irrational embarrassment, too. Having interviews and not being able to prevent certain ticks when I'm convinced that I don't really feel nervous is annoying and probably doesn't make me look good. It's like my mind and my heart are of two different opinions on the matter...
A therapist isn't cheap, but I'm sick of taking a backseat to these emotions that take over without the decency of asking. I don't know... I'm probably still conflicted on this decision, but I want to do it. Seeing a therapist is one of my many dreams in life, though ideally that outcome would have been just for fun. The perfectionist inside of me might make such a trip difficult, as I fear lying about my true feelings as a means to appear normal to a complete stranger. Of course, such a thought could just be because I feel I lie to myself, too -- a thought that suggests that maybe I do need some outside assistance.
Maybe a different cause altogether, too. So tired these days, and no amount of sleep or caffeine seems to help. I used to frown down on others who complained about just wanting to sleep, but I fear I have become one of those hoodlums myself. Sleep is an escape, and all I want to do is hide from my current life with hopes that I will get handed some form of change on a silver platter for when I awaken. Not at all likely, is it? The period between change seems so difficult, though, as I'm stuck with the old life's priorities I no longer want on top of gaining a new life's priorities.
This conversation could lead into how I have a difficult time answering questions like "what is it you want out of life?" but I'm too tired. And I never have an answer.
